Does that make sense?
A couple of months ago I shared a meme to my Instagram stories that struck a chord with a few people who saw it. Here it is…
Since sharing it I’ve made an effort to remove the phrases “does that make sense?” and “if that makes sense” from my lexicon.
And I’ve noticed something interesting.
The situations where I’ve wanted to use “does that make sense?” (DTMS) have been less about shrinking myself or a lack of confidence, and more about the desire to check in with the person I’m talking to.
Often, when I’ve wanted to use DTMS when I’m discussing something sensitive or complex. And I’m finding myself replacing it with clunky phrases like “just checking in for comprehension here”.
Why not just say “do you have any questions?” or “do you understand?”
Well, both of those questions put the burden of comprehension onto the audience instead of the person trying to communicate the message (me). And because they’re more direct, they don’t feel as respectful.
In a context where I would normally use DTMS, it doesn’t just ask “do you understand?” but also “am I being clear?”
And it provides an invitation to the audience to join the conversational space, not only with clarifying questions but to add context, information and ideas.
In Word Slut (10/10 recommend), author Amanda Montrell puts forward some compelling and research-backed theories around women’s language.
Including the idea that women use hedging (phrases like DTMS, “I feel like”, “I mean” and many others) to help build relationships, negotiate sensitive topics (which we are generally more likely to delve into than our male counterparts) and to create trust and empathy.
Given my curious exploration of how, when and why I use DTMS, this theory feels true.
So, where does that leave me?
I’m more aware of the hedges I use and the purpose they serve than I was before. I’m also more aware of the ways we police women’s language. Which has led me to think more critically about if I really want to change the way I show up in the world. Or if I’m actually rather happy with the way I am.
Does that make sense?
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